


A Technical Challenge For Christmas

by unsaltysaltines



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Nicole baking bread is apparently a thing I do now, once again I have written a "Christmas Fic", there be Sad Nicole here, with a side order of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28386597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaltysaltines/pseuds/unsaltysaltines
Summary: “I know how much you love Christmas,” Nicole murmured. “I just want everything to be perfect…for you.”Nicole is having a hard time celebrating Christmas, but at least Waverly is there to help her through it.Featuring: a very fancy loaf of bread that I myself would like to attempt someday
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 4
Kudos: 93





	A Technical Challenge For Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Merry after-Christmas, friends!
> 
> This started its life as some capital-F Fluff™ that I came up with while watching Bake-Off (like TWO YEARS AGO??), and naturally it has morphed into…this.
> 
> Enjoy!

Even _before_ Waverly went away, Nicole had a hard time enjoying Christmas. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy spending time with the people she loved and cared about; it was the _pressure_ she had a hard time with.

There was the constant pressure to be happy and enjoy herself and deck the halls, all of which could just get flat-out overwhelming. In fact, the first Christmas Nicole had spent in Purgatory had just been her, alone, in an empty, un-decorated house with a stack of case files that needed digitizing. She had _volunteered_ to take the massive stack of work home, just so she wouldn’t have to be alone with her heavy heart.

It wasn’t the holiday’s fault—rather, it always felt like it was _Nicole’s_ fault for having a brain that was so finicky. It was no one’s fault but her own that the opening notes of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” could bring her to tears nine times out of ten, or that a cheesy Christmas movie intended to make people happy did nothing but make Nicole deeply sad, sometimes unbearably so.

She had been embarrassed and more than a little ashamed when this side of her came out the first time she and Waverly celebrated Christmas together—when Waverly had asked if Nicole had any decorations hiding out in storage, and Nicole just shook her head sadly.

“I have a…hard time with Christmas,” she’d said quietly. “It’s a whole thing.”

She never understood what she’d done to deserve Waverly’s unconditional understanding. Waverly didn’t ask annoying follow-up questions, didn’t force her to do anything at all, just rolled with it. It eased the pressure just enough so that Nicole was able to enjoy the season a little more 

The next year, however…Waverly was gone.

Disappeared into the Garden of Eden without a trace.

Nicole tried to make things festive for Rachel’s sake, but it was hard to do when she was still in constant pain from her healing leg and the Earp homestead was perpetually under siege. Not to mention, everyone she loved was missing, unable to share in any kind of festivities. 

Rachel had noticed just how sad the whole fucking ordeal had made her and told her not to bother, reminded Nicole that she’d lost just as much as Nicole had that year. So they spent Christmas in an awkward, sad sort of limbo, and Nicole ultimately found that it suited her.

After all, there was no use celebrating _anything_ when Waverly wasn’t there to celebrate with her.

***

Thankfully, Waverly was home before Nicole had to even begin to consider the prospect of spending another Christmas alone. She hoped so badly that having her family back would mean she wouldn’t have to slog through another December with a heart so heavy she could barely stand it. Everyone was home, not to mention she and Waverly were _engaged_ —that alone should have made Nicole happy beyond measure.

But, somehow, it didn’t.

Having the love of her life back beside her, in _their_ bed, eased the ache in her heart for a while, but as it turned out that was far from a permanent fix. Nicole still had relentless nightmares and panic attacks, and there were still days where she was so jumpy and nervous, she wondered if she would ever feel normal again.

Even so, as she stared down the barrel of Christmas once again, Nicole tried her hardest to focus on the good things. She even began jotting down recipes on index cards, fully intending to pull together a nice Christmas dinner for them all.

For her chosen family.

“Can I see?” Waverly asked one night in early December, while Nicole was obsessing over some of the recipes she had amassed.

“Y-yeah. Sure,” Nicole said distractedly. “Just…not the dessert cards. I’m going through those right now.”

Waverly flipped through the neatly organized box of cards, pulling at random a section labelled “Sides” and skimming Nicole’s neatly-copied recipes, her eyes drawn to the notes that Nicole had jotted down in the margins in what Waverly recognized as one of her favourite purple pens.

“These sound great, baby,” Waverly said quietly. “So many vegan choices too!”

“Of course,” Nicole said with a smile.

“This, especially…” Waverly said, handing a card up from where she was settled on the floor, “This sounds _very_ good…and _very_ complicated,” she added. “If that diagram is any indication, at least.”

Nicole laughed as she saw which recipe Waverly was pointing to. “Oh _god,_ that one I wrote down while I was watching _Bake-Off_!”

“Well, we both know _I_ don’t have any baking skills whatsoever,” Waverly said matter-of-factly. “So this one is all you, baby.”

“I was thinking I’d actually give it a try at some point before Christmas,” Nicole said, “Y’know, just to make sure I can actually pull it off at all.”

Waverly hummed contentedly in response. “I’m _very_ okay with that. You know I would never say no to bread.”

Nicole leaned forward from where she was sitting on the couch and kissed the top of Waverly’s head softly. “Tomorrow it is, then.”

***

Nicole pulled her hair back and got right into the kitchen the next morning. Waverly watched blearily over her coffee cup as Nicole pulled ingredients from the kitchen cupboards, including the kitchen scale she used for absolutely everything.

“Remind me again why you don’t just use measuring cups like a normal person?” Waverly asked sleepily. She grinned as Nicole rolled her eyes in a halfhearted attempt to be serious.

“Because it’s more precise this way,” Nicole said quietly. “It’s easier to control the result.”

_Control_.

That’s really all it boiled down to, wasn’t it? She hadn’t been able to control so much of her life for eighteen months, so Nicole channeled that anxious energy into controlling the things she _could_ around the homestead—cooking, organizing, checking the traps every two hours on the dot. 

Waverly’s eyes watched her every move as Nicole combined ingredients in a mixing bowl, transforming the shaggy, sticky mess into a smooth, elastic ball with her strong hands. The very very tip of Nicole’s tongue poked out between her lips as she concentrated on what she was doing, and Waverly found herself mesmerized.

“Nicole, how exactly will you know when this is ready?” Waverly asked, picking up the covered bowl Nicole had just set down on the stovetop and examining its contents.

“ _Hopefully_ , it’ll be warm enough here that the dough will rise and double in size,” Nicole said. “But it won’t be ready for at least an hour.”

She gently plucked the bowl from Waverly’s hands with a kiss and set it back in its resting spot before taking Waverly’s hand and pulling the shorter woman into her.

“What could we possibly do while we wait?” Waverly asked, feigning confusion as she brushed a smudge of flour from Nicole’s nose and pulled her close.

Waverly’s lips ghosted over the sensitive skin of Nicole’s neck, sending a chill down Nicole’s spine. Nicole’s breath hitched and her hands twitched…but not in a pleasant way.

“What’s wrong?”

Waverly stopped and pulled back immediately, scanning Nicole’s face for discomfort.

“N-nothing,” Nicole said, voice breaking slightly as she stammered over the syllables. “I mean…I don’t know. I guess I’m just not in the mood?”

Something dark flickered across Nicole’s face, and Waverly watched Nicole shake her head slightly to clear it. Switching gears, Waverly wrapped one hand around the back of Nicole’s neck and toyed with some of the loose strands of hair at the base.

“We could just watch TV if you want,” Waverly offered gently. “Maybe some more _Bake-Off?_ ”

Nicole smiled weakly and nodded. “Sure.”

The kitchen timer went off right in the middle of the Showstopper, and Waverly all but launched herself off the couch in a hurry to get back to the kitchen.

“Is it ready?” She asked eagerly as Nicole pulled back the towel covering the bowl. “It looks _amazing!_ ”

“You’ve never tried baking bread before?” Nicole asked with a grin. Waverly’s enthusiasm for the entire process was nothing short of infectious.

“Made _bread_? Baby, you remember what happened last time I made brownies out of a _box_ , right?”

Nicole laughed, knowing exactly the incident Waverly was talking about. It had been over two years ago at this point, but she remembered the last time Waverly had made dessert for everyone like it was yesterday—while her intentions were nothing but good, Waverly had produced a batch of brownies that were somehow gooey around the edges and rock-solid in the middle, with lumps of dry mix scattered throughout.

“Okay, okay, fair.” Nicole said. She propped up the recipe on the counter where she could see her diagram easily, and still offered to split the dough in two so Waverly could try shaping it with her.

“Noooo way, I’m not trying that!” Waverly exclaimed, shaking her head vigorously. “I’m just gonna admire your handiwork from here. No pressure.”

She kissed Nicole’s cheek and grinned as she looked over the redhead’s shoulder. It felt like Waverly’s eyes were crossing just trying to comprehend what Nicole was doing, so she stepped back and let the redhead work her magic.

Nicole was absolutely laser-focused on the recipe as she studied the diagrams and worked cautiously, and fifteen minutes later, Nicole covered the loaf carefully and sank down on the kitchen floor with a melodramatic sigh.

“That bad?” Waverly asked from her perch at the table.

“That was the most stressful loaf of bread I’ve ever tried— _YOWCH!_ ” Nicole yelped. She had gone to rub her eyes and forgotten her fingers were still covered in dough and flour. As Waverly burst out laughing, Nicole groaned and got up off the floor to wash out the eye she’d just gotten flour in.

“Whatever, at last it’ll _taste_ good.” Nicole grumbled, her eye still pink and angry. “It still needs to rise one more time before it goes in the oven, so…back to Netflix?”

“I suppose,” Waverly said with a soft smile. “But don’t you already know who wins, like, every season?”

“Maybe I do,” Nicole said with a smirk. “But it’s…relaxing. The biggest problem anyone has in the tent is whether a cake is going to cool in time or if their chocolate’s going to temper properly.”

“Not to mention, those British accents are to die for,” Waverly added, which drew a laugh from the redhead. She followed her back to the couch, where Nicole kept up a steady running commentary on the finer points of pastry construction for the rest of the episode.

When Nicole _finally_ pulled the loaf out of the oven later, Waverly’s eyes grew so wide they almost popped out of her head.

“I think I’m gonna fancy it up a little on the actual day, maybe try adding some more interesting flavours,” Nicole said quickly as she surveyed her girlfriend, her cheeks flushing a light pink. “But it doesn’t look half bad.”

“Baby, it looks _fantastic._ And it’s gonna be amazing no matter _what_ you do,” Waverly said seriously.

“Good,” Nicole said, “D’you think it’s gonna distract Wynonna and the others from the fact that there’s pretty much no meat on the menu or…”

“I think they can deal with it. Just keep reminding them you baked them an _eight-strand_ plaited loaf of bread from _scratch_ if they complain,” Waverly said with a shrug.

Nicole cut a couple slices from the loaf for them to eat, and after one bite Waverly leaned over and gave Nicole a huge kiss, proclaiming it to be the “best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“Well, let’s see how well it goes over on Christmas, hm?”

***

As the day drew closer and closer, Nicole found she couldn’t control her anxiety. She couldn’t nail down exactly what it was that was making her so anxious, which only sent her brain spiralling further down the mental rabbit hole she had been digging for herself for weeks. The more she tried to force herself to be present, to enjoy the time she was getting to spend with Waverly and Wynonna and Rachel…the more challenging it was for her to control her emotions at all.

Waverly noticed the changes in Nicole’s behaviour right away. The intensity of her nightmares had been ratcheting up, even though she wouldn’t actually admit it out loud to Waverly. They shared a bed, after all, and even though she was known for sleeping like the dead there was no way for Waverly _not_ to notice the increase in tossing and turning from the woman beside her. Not unless she were an _actual_ corpse.

The year before, apparently, Waverly had been gone entirely at Christmas. It was still surreal to her how what had felt like only a few days had translated into…

_Eighteen months._

_Three weeks._

_Four days._

An impossible length of time to imagine. Nicole had spent the last Christmas alone, not knowing when (or _if_ ) Waverly and Wynonna and Doc would return. She was recovering from a serious injury while also making sure Rachel was taken care of and that the homestead was safe—it was a lot for one person to handle, Waverly knew that much.

When Waverly suggested that they go pick out a Christmas tree, she noticed that Nicole’s “Sure, let’s go!” came a little too quick and enthusiastic for it to be entirely believable, but Waverly didn’t say anything to her about it. Instead, she and Nicole and Rachel all piled into Waverly’s Jeep—Wynonna and Doc had begged off, both looking shiftily anywhere but directly at Waverly, and she needed no further elaboration as to what it was the two of them were likely to get up to while everyone else was out—and headed for the tree lot.

As she wandered behind Waverly and Rachel through the rows of trees, Nicole tried desperately to make herself care. She wanted _so badly_ to enjoy this time, to enjoy the cheesy music that was playing over the loudspeakers as they browsed, to enjoy the process of looking for the perfect Christmas tree…but she just couldn’t.

If anything, the whole process was dialing her anxiety all the way up to 11, and Nicole didn’t know how the _fuck_ she was supposed to stop it from boiling over right there, in the middle of a Christmas tree lot, _in public._

“Baby, are you okay?”

Waverly’s voice caused Nicole to look up in confusion. _Had she said that out loud?_

“You sort of…stopped walking,” Waverly said quietly, and Nicole realized that Rachel was, in fact, several rows ahead of them.

“Oh…sorry,” Nicole said absently. “I must’ve just…gotten a little distracted or something.”

Waverly surveyed the way the redhead’s body language had closed up significantly; her arms were crossed across her chest, and even through her gloves Waverly could see just how hard Nicole was gripping her arms, the way she tended to do when she was about to have a panic attack. She knew better than to touch Nicole without her express consent in this situation, but it was hard to make eye contact when the taller woman was looking everywhere _but_ right at Waverly.

“Hey, Nicole…can you look at me?” Waverly asked softly. She balled her own hands up into fists inside her mittens, physically resisting every instinct she had to reach out and comfort the other woman. Nicole looked back at her and Waverly smiled warmly at her, even though it hurt her to see how heavy her eyes were. “Good.”

“Waves, I think…I think I need to go back to the car,” Nicole said quickly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just…can’t be here right now.”

“Okay. We can go—”

“No!” Nicole exclaimed. “I mean…finish picking out a tree. You and Rachel. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

Waverly handed her the keys with a quick peck on the cheek, and Nicole rushed back to where Waverly’s bright red Jeep was parked.

They were outside, yet it still felt like walls were closing in on Nicole as her gloved fingers fumbled frantically for the right key. Nicole couldn’t fucking _breathe_ as she unlocked the Jeep and slammed the door behind her. She didn't even bother turning the car on; there was no time before she was practically hyperventilating right there in the front seat.

Waverly truly couldn’t come back fast enough. Nicole was ultimately able to get her breathing under control before then, at least enough to help tie the tree to the roof of the car, but she was afraid that if she said anything at all to anyone on the drive home, she might lose her shit completely.

Nicole enlisted Doc’s help to drag the tree inside and set it up, but that was about as much as she could push her brain before she had to excuse herself and flee back upstairs to the bedroom.

Waverly watched Nicole go without even bothering to properly hang her jacket by the front door or kick off her boots like she usually did, and gave her a moment before ascending the stairs behind her. The bedroom door was closed, and Waverly could hear what sounded like muffled sniffling coming from the other side.

“Nicole?” Waverly said, knocking softly on the door. “Can I come in?”

There was a small hum of consent from the other side of the door, and Waverly opened the door to find Nicole sitting on the floor against the side of their bed. She was still wearing her jacket and boots and had pulled her knees as far into her chest as she could, eyes red like she’d burst into tears right away.

It had happened so fast, and that’s what broke Waverly’s heart. That Nicole had very clearly been holding herself together by the most delicate of threads all day, even though her emotions had been building up inside her so intensely.

“Hey…” Waverly kneeled down in front of the taller woman, keeping her hands pulled close to her in her lap. “What’s going on?”

Nicole dropped one hand from where it was gripping her leg, reaching it out as far towards Waverly as she could. She wasn’t sure she could handle much more contact, but she needed the small amount of comfort that would come from Waverly’s hand in her own.

“It’s okay…” Waverly murmured. “Take your time.”

Nicole’s hand shook as she took Waverly’s and tried to catch her breath.

“I don’t know…why this is happening,” Nicole eventually choked out.

“Did something happen at the tree lot that I didn’t notice?” Waverly asked gently. “You’ve been so tense all day…”

“I d-don’t think so,” Nicole stammered. “I think I’m just…having a hard time with Christmas this year…”

“Okay. You’re okay,” Waverly repeated, trying to keep her own stress in check. “Just breathe…”

Waverly held her hand, and Nicole tried to concentrate on what was going on in the house around her instead of the thunderstorm raging inside her head. On the comfort that came from having Waverly’s hand tangled in her own and her presence beside her.

“Sorry…” Nicole said eventually, once she’d gotten herself under control. “I don’t know _why_ I’m such a disaster today.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Waverly said gently. “I’m just glad you’re feeling better."

***

“Nicole, you know you don’t _have_ to do this, right?” Waverly asked gently as they lay in bed on the morning of Christmas Eve. “Honestly, we’re all just happy to be _together_.”

“I know that,” Nicole said quietly, before yawning widely. “I just…I want everything to be special this year. Because last year was…god, Waves, it was just _awful_.”

“So you want to try and cancel those memories out with good ones,” Waverly said. “I get that.”

Nicole tightened her arms slightly around Waverly’s waist and buried her face in her neck. Part of her was, in fact, massively tempted to simply stay in bed with Waverly all day and ignore all the responsibilities she had set herself—if she was being honest, she didn’t trust herself not to lose her mind as soon as they got up and started the day.

As she lay in bed with Waverly in her arms, Nicole was able to shove her anxiety and sadness aside, even if it was only for a few minutes. Things actually felt the way they were “supposed” to feel, and she didn’t want to ruin it all by doing something as foolish as getting out of bed.

“I know how much you love Christmas,” Nicole murmured. “I just want everything to be perfect…for you.”

Waverly rolled over in Nicole’s arms and gently stroked her cheek with her thumb, lingering as always on the beauty mark right beneath Nicole’s left eye. She could practically feel the tension that was building in every muscle of Nicole’s body as she gradually woke up and began thinking about the day ahead.

“You don’t have to do all of this for me, you know,” she said quietly. “I may love all the stupid little traditions that come with celebrating Christmas…but I love _you_ more, Nicole.”

Nicole sniffed as she leaned into Waverly’s touch and kicked herself for getting so emotional so fast. “I just wanted to _try_ , y’know? _Try_ to love this thing that you love so much, that brings you—and everyone else—so much joy.”

“I know,” Waverly said. “But you don’t have to be anything but yourself for me. You know that. So if today gets to be overwhelming or hard…just _tell_ me, okay? It’s more important to me that you take care of yourself.”

“Okay,” Nicole said with a soft smile. “I think I can manage that.”

They eventually rolled out of bed, but neither bothered to get dressed much beyond changing into fresh sweatpants, since the day was bound to be full of cooking and baking and mindless TV marathoning.

Indeed, the occupants of the homestead spent most of the morning going back and forth squabbling over what to watch—half the house—Waverly and Doc—wanted to tuck into a marathon of _Property Brothers,_ while Wynonna and Nicole was dead-set on _Golden Girls._ Rachel, on the other hand, refused to engage in the debate at all; she was in a rare bad mood, and Nicole couldn’t say she didn’t understand.

Even as she debated the merits of the Golden Girls over the (admittedly very handsome) real estate-renovating brothers, Nicole didn’t quite feel like her heart was actually in it, despite the homestead’s TV arguments being nothing short of legend. As hard as she tried, Nicole could barely get her own heavy heart off the floor; given how hard their shared experience had been just a year ago, she wouldn’t be surprised if Rachel were feeling something similar.

“I’m gonna go check on Rachel,” Nicole said distractedly as she watched Rachel roll her eyes as she walked past them again, snacks in hand this time. “See if she’s okay.”

“Sounds good,” Waverly said quietly with a soft kiss as Nicole extracted herself from her spot behind Waverly at the end of the couch.

She loved watching Nicole interact with Rachel, even when the circumstances were less than ideal. The bond they’d formed was clearly strong—in fact, Waverly was _almost_ disappointed that she hadn’t gotten to spend as much time with Rachel as Nicole had. Though, she truly did mean _almost_ —as she watched Nicole’s face take on a much more serious expression, Waverly thought about the shared heartache they must have experienced the year before, and about how hard it must have been for each of them, each in their own way.

Nicole knocked on the frame that surrounded the dark curtain Rachel had hung to separate her room from the rest of the house.

“Rachel? Can I come in?”

A moment later, Nicole heard the sound of rustling from the other side, followed by a sullen-looking Rachel whipping the curtain back.

“I guess,” she said darkly. Nicole followed the teenager into the dimly-lit bedroom, pulling the curtain shut behind her.

“Slide over!” Nicole exclaimed as Rachel planted herself square in the middle of her bed in front of her laptop.

Rachel groaned in annoyance as Nicole forced her way onto the bed, the same way she’d done many times before. She even offered up her bag of her beloved All Dressed chips, to which Nicole happily helped herself.

“You’re not fooling me, y’know,” Rachel said after several seconds of silence. “You look miserable.”

Nicole sighed. “I’m not having the best day,” she admitted.

“That’s what I thought,” Rachel grumbled. “Me either.”

“I’m making that bread again,” Nicole said with a small, halfhearted laugh. “Y’know, that really fancy looking one that I spent all day on last year…”

“…the one that turned out like a brick?” Rachel finished, a smirk playing across her face. “ _Again?_ ” She asked incredulously. “What for?”

“Thought I’d try it again,” Nicole said simply. “Now that I’m better in the kitchen, for one. Plus, things almost feel…okay this year.”

Rachel huffed. “ _Sure._ ”

“They do!” Nicole exclaimed. 

Rachel let out a short bark of laughter this time. “You don’t have to _lie_ about it.”

“I just wanted to check in. See how you’re doing,” Nicole said quietly, brushing off Rachel’s comment. “Because you’re still one of us. I’m not gonna ditch you just because Waverly and Wynonna are back.”

A moment of silence passed between the two of them, Rachel very pointedly _not_ looking at Nicole as she thought.

“I’m fine,” Rachel eventually grumbled. “Kinda bummed out, I guess.”

“Me too,” Nicole admitted. “It’s okay to be bummed.”

“I miss my mom,” Rachel said quietly. “It’s just…hard.”

“I know it is,” Nicole said. “At least come out for dinner later? You don’t have to actually hang out with us or anything, just show up for dessert. It’s hard to be sad when you’ve got pie.”

The comment drew a small laugh from Rachel, even as she rolled her eyes in Nicole’s direction.

***

Nicole emerged from Rachel’s room and headed straight for the kitchen, and Waverly followed right behind her.

Waverly might not have been much of a baker, but she _did_ consider herself a damn good vegan cook, which meant she’d managed to worm her way into Nicole’s kitchen with no complaints at all. She watched as almost immediately, Nicole got to work on the same bread dough she’d put together several days before, and Waverly found it equally as fascinating as she had the last time.

_Unlike_ the last time, however, Waverly could see where Nicole was carrying tension in her shoulders that was radiating very visibly all throughout her body.

“Everything okay with Rachel?” She asked as she tied an apron around her waist..

Nicole paused in weighing out flour and looked over at Waverly with a small smile. “Yeah, she’s fine. She’s feeling a little down, but I think she’ll be okay. I convinced her to at least emerge from her cave for dinner.”

“Which is going to be delicious,” Waverly added as she began pulling ingredients from the fridge.

After making her practice loaf, Nicole found that she felt much more confident in her skills, but none of that actually mattered when her mood crashed again in the middle of proofing her yeast and her hands started shaking for no good reason whatsoever.

There were no monsters trying to break in.

No more Clantons to be worried about.

Everyone was home and safe—even Jeremy was coming over for dinner later.

There was no reason at all for Nicole to be on such high alert.

But that still didn’t stop her. 

Waverly tried to engage Nicole in lighthearted conversation, but Nicole deflected every chance she got—if she could turn the conversation back to Waverly, she did. 

“Baby, I know what you’re doing,” Waverly said quietly as she finished cutting up the last of her Brussels sprouts. “You’re deflecting.”

“I’m just…having a harder time than I thought today,” Nicole said, her tone measured and careful so she wouldn’t get snippy. It wasn’t _Waverly’s_ fault Nicole couldn’t pull herself out of her funk; she didn’t deserve to be snapped at. Instead, Nicole kneaded the dough a little harder, focusing intently on the way the dough felt between her fingers.

“It’s okay,” Waverly said softly.

“No, it’s not really,” Nicole said with a sigh. “I think I’m going to tap out for a while, while the bread dough rises. I just feel so _out of it_ ,” she added, a frustrated edge creeping into her voice.

“Can I…join you?” Waverly asked tentatively.

Nicole looked over at the brunette, a small smile flickering across her face as she nodded.

Quietly, Waverly followed Nicole back up the stairs to their bedroom. Nicole wasted no time in grabbing a furry throw blanket to wrap around her shoulders as she curled up on the bed, and Waverly climbed up right beside her.

“Here,” Nicole murmured with an easy smile, holding out one arm to envelop Waverly in the blanket as well. In the quiet, safe space of the bedroom, she was already breathing a little easier, not to mention having Waverly right there was an immense comfort as well.

Sometimes, Nicole didn’t know how she’d managed to survive nearly nineteen months without her. As much as she’d gone out of her way to make herself a rock for Waverly and Wynonna and the rest of the team…Waverly was, without a doubt, _her_ rock.

It had been easy enough to put aside her feelings during the day, or whenever else an issue arose on the homestead regardless of the hour. As long as there was a problem to solve, Nicole could ignore the fact that her heart was simply…missing. 

Of course she’d missed the sex, but what she’d missed more were moments like these, where they were able to take a moment to simply _be_ with one another. Reveling in the way Waverly’s legs tangled with her own so casually, feeling her sleepy presence beside her early in the morning…simply _existing_ with Waverly was enough to ease some of Nicole’s ever-present anxiety.

“What’re you thinking about?” Waverly asked quietly. She shifted in Nicole’s arms so she could get a better look at the redhead’s face, but simultaneously not break physical contact. 

“Just…last Christmas,” Nicole murmured, kissing Waverly’s forehead softly.

“D’you want to talk about it?”

Waverly tried so hard not to pester Nicole for details about the time she’d been away, but she was a naturally curious woman. She knew it was hard for Nicole to talk about some aspects of the time she’d been gone, but there were plenty of nights where it ate away at her to know that there were nearly nineteen months of her life that had simply…disappeared. Hearing what Nicole had been through was painful, of course it was, but it was also strangely cathartic. It filled in a blank for her.

“I mean, there’s not a ton to tell,” Nicole said slowly. “It was just me and Rachel here at the homestead…we still barely knew each other at that point. Not to mention, my leg was still healing and things were rocky in town, to say the least. I, uh…I tried making the same stupid loaf of bread that’s rising downstairs,” she added with a small smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Nicole said, dimples appearing in her cheeks briefly as her smile grew a little wider. “And it turned out _terrible_ —the shape of it was a mess and the bread itself was all tough and chewy. But my skills in the kitchen have gotten a lot better since then, so I wanted to try again this year.”

“That’s…so sweet,” Waverly said quietly.

“It gave us both a good laugh,” Nicole said. “And I think we really needed that. For the record, the rest of Christmas dinner wasn’t much better,” she added.

Nicole took a deep breath, as though she was mulling very carefully over her next words.

“I really…missed you that day,” she said simply.

“It’s so weird,” Waverly said. “Hearing about all this time that I just…didn’t experience. At all.”

“I’m sure it is,” Nicole said, gently brushing a lock of hair out of Waverly’s face. “I keep having to remind myself that things were hard here, but that it’s still been hard for you too _because_ you didn’t experience time the same way we did.”

“It’s okay,” Waverly murmured before kissing the tip of Nicole’s nose affectionately. “I’m adjusting just fine. As long as I’ve got you.”

***

Her Christmas Eve dinner turned out wonderfully—Rachel even emerged from her bedroom for a plate of food, which caused Nicole to breathe a sigh of relief.

“I’ll be back for pie,” she said quietly, meeting Nicole’s eyes and smiling. Nicole shot the teenager a wink and went back to picking at her own plate. 

In spite of dinner turning out just how she’d hoped, Nicole found that she was still having a hard time choking any of it down and eventually, she gave up. Clearly her appetite was nowhere to be found. While Nicole was in the kitchen taking care of her dishes, Waverly reappeared and wrapped her arms around the taller woman’s waist.

“Not hungry?” Waverly asked quietly.

“Apparently not,” Nicole sighed. “I think I’m just tired.”

“Well, if you can stand to hang out down here for ten more minutes, I’ve got a surprise for you upstairs,” Waverly murmured, rising up on her tiptoes so she could kiss Nicole’s cheek gently.

“Oh really?” Nicole turned to face her, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

“You’ll see,” Waverly said simply. “Ten minutes?”

“I think I can wait that long,” Nicole said with a small smile.

After making herself busy for the requested amount of time, Nicole slowly ascended the stairs, and noticed the flickering of candlelight coming from the bathroom. In the homestead’s small bathroom, Waverly had run a bubble bath and lit one of Nicole’s favourite Christmas-scented candles. As Nicole breathed in deeply, a wave of relief crashed over her.

“You like it?”

Waverly had emerged from the bedroom and was leaning in the doorway behind her. “It’s not much, but you’ve had a stressful day, and—”

“Waverly, it’s perfect,” Nicole said softly. “Or, at least…it will be, if you care to join me.” She grinned as she slowly slipped out of her own sweats.

In spite of the height difference between them, Waverly settled herself behind Nicole in the bath, wrapping her arms around Nicole as the taller woman slid down slightly in the warm water. Nicole savoured the feeling of bare skin against bare skin, and took a couple of calming breaths to ground herself.

“How’re you feeling?” Waverly asked after a few minutes, once she began to feel Nicole’s muscles relax in her embrace.

“Okay…I guess,” Nicole said quietly, threading her fingers through Waverly’s. “Better now that it’s just us again.”

“I’m sorry today has been hard,” Waverly murmured, leaning in to drop gentle kisses along the side of Nicole’s neck. Nicole’s breath hitched slightly and she rolled her head over to one side, exposing more area for Waverly’s lips to explore. “But…thank you for everything you did today.”

“It was nothing—”

“ _Hush,_ ” Waverly interrupted. “Obviously it wasn’t _nothing_. You spent a lot of emotional energy on us when you didn’t have to, and I know everyone appreciates it. You’re a damn good cook,” she added with a grin.

With Waverly’s blessing, Nicole decided not to return to the night’s festivities. Instead, she decided to bundle up in her most comfortable pajamas and crawl into bed, even adding a bonus fuzzy blanket to the two comforters they always kept on the bed in their often-freezing bedroom. It wasn’t long before Waverly came up to join her, climbing right into Nicole’s arms and burrowing her face in Nicole’s neck.

“It just wasn’t fun without you,” Waverly murmured. “Plus, I’m _tired_. Today was a lot of…family time.”

“You can say that again,” Nicole said with a grin.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Waverly said sleepily. “I love you. So much.”

“I love you too,” Nicole said softly, kissing the top of Waverly’s head.

Nicole lay awake long after Waverly fell asleep in her arms. She was surprised to find that she wasn’t anxious, or overly emotional, just…awake. Through the curtains, she could see that it had started to snow outside, which prompted her to bury herself a little deeper in the blankets. Waverly shifted in her arms at the movement, and Nicole held her breath, hoping she hadn’t woken her up.

Nothing. Waverly slept on, and eventually the stillness of the night was enough to lull Nicole to sleep as well.

Things would be easier in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> The loaf of bread Nicole baked is an [actual Bake-Off recipe!](https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/eight-strand_plaited_57815) And a particularly fun Technical challenge to watch, if I say so myself.
> 
> [Come yell at me on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines)


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